Confidence And Attracting
David DeAngelo – author of Double Your Dating ebook [Robrob8's favorite
*** A success story with a question and lessons
learned the hard way ***
Question: perhaps you have addressed this before, but why do women
choose unstable "losers" over stable, "good guys" like me? One may
noticed this and labeled it the "SPCA" syndrome: "Society for Prevention
of Cruelty to Animals." In other words, the woman goes for the "stray,"
not the "well-bread."
I think it goes to the issue of challenge, which has two aspects. One is
"benign": the man has to be a challenge in the sense that he is not too
available. Another, which is negative, is the man is so "damaged" that
he presents a challenge in another, less benign way: the woman wants to
"fix" him. I heard Dr. Laura the other day, although I usually cannot
stand her. Some dimwit woman called in and said she had been dating guy
A, who was nice, and was now dating A's friend, B, and she did not know
what to do. A was a good guy and stable, B was a lowlife but was
"exciting." Dr. "Queen of Life" jumped all over her, asking this genius
how she would answer the same question if her own daughter asked her
that question. It was clear by the idiot's "OK" after being given this
advice that she did not get the answer she wanted and will probably
stick with B.
Success story: Gaining Confidence
1. Parents and religion. About 10 years ago, I was dating a surgeon who
was Jewish. I am not Jewish, so that made a big difference and was
ultimately one of two factors leading to our demise (the other was that
I could not trust her). She told me her parents did not approve of me
since I was non-Jewish. I just told her to her face, "I don't care what
your parents think. I'm not here to please them." I think this took her
by surprise and increased her respect for me.
You my want to do columns on these if you have not done so already:
dealing with parents; dealing with different religions.
2. Signs that you are confident. Every dating advisor stresses male
confidence. Watch the woman's actions and listen to her words to detect
if your confidence is "showing" or "hitting." The surgeon gave me two of
the greatest compliments I ever received, which confirmed that I was
"doing things right." Both were out of the blue. One: "I can't figure
you out." Two: "I never know what you are going to do next."
1. Criteria. Before arranging a blind date, be sure to the extent
possible that you ensure the woman meets your "criteria." DO NOT BE SHY
ABOUT THIS. For example, a friend of mine (I will call her "A"), working
through a friend of hers ("B"), set me up with a blind date I will call
"Carol". I drove about 30 minutes to meet the woman. When I saw her, I
immediately knew I did not like her looks. The "clincher" occurred as we
approached the hostess, who asked us where we wanted to sit. "Carol"
immediately said something like, "I have to sit somewhere I can smoke."
At that point, the date was effectively over because I am vehemently
nonsmoking. It is simply not negotiable with me. So, we sat at a table
to the side of the restaurant instead of a waterfront table.
LESSON: neither my friend nor I remembered to check for smoking. And,
while I went ahead and had the dinner, I lost about an hour's driving
time and the time and money for the meal with nothing in return. The
experience was a complete waste except to re-learn the lesson: ensure
the woman is a nonsmoker.
Another interesting tactic would, after she said something about
smoking, be to say, "I'm sorry. I did not realize you were a smoker. You
know, really, since I do not smoke the evening will be a waste of your
time and mine, so let's call it quits." And then I should have then
simply left. The problem is that this action would have gotten me in
trouble with my good friend "A."
2. Eject after her infidelity. After you have been dating a woman and
the two of you have been exclusive, at the first sign of her infidelity,
PUSH EJECT AND DUMP HERE. Infidelity is an irreparable breach of trust
and cannot be repaired. I tried to fix a relationship after such an
incident, and she continued to remain in touch with her "secondary
lover." Despite advice to dump her and her continuing affection toward
me, I held on for a few more months, which were miserable, before
finally pushing EJECT and unilaterally dumping her with no warning or
discussion. The lesson is: pay attention to what women DO, not to what
David D. >>>MY COMMENTS:
First of all, thank you for taking the time to think this through and
for clearly communicating the points you've made. You've brought up some
important ideas, and I'd like to comment on them.
ON THE DR. LAURA STORY AND YOUR QUESTION...
One of the things that Dr. Laura doesn't get in this particular
situation goes a little something like this:
THE WOMAN IN THE STORY WASN'T USING LOGIC TO DECIDE WHICH MAN TO FEEL
ATTRACTED TO, SO TRYING TO CONVINCE HER WITH LOGIC IS A WASTE OF TIME.
Now, you made some valid points about the woman enjoying the "challenge"
of the "stray" and/or of the "unavailable" guy.
This is good stuff, and it's accurate.
But the REAL key to this situation is that ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE.
Attraction is a POWERFUL EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response.
And, as you might know, when you're feeling a powerful emotion, it's
difficult, or in many cases, almost impossible to override that emotion
The woman is clearly ATTRACTED to the "lowlife", but she also knows in
her MIND that she "should" stay with the "stable nice guy".
EMOTION beats LOGIC any day of the week when it comes to attraction and
Being a challenge and being unavailable are things that TRIGGER the
emotion, but once it's triggered then there's not much that a woman can
do about it. And as you noticed, not even advice from the "first lady"
of relationship logic can change it.
So to answer your question, the reason why women "choose" unstable
losers over stable guys like you is...
THEY DON'T CHOOSE AT ALL.
There is no logical "decision" being made. When it comes to ATTRACTION,
"choosing" doesn't even come into play. If you want women to feel that
powerful emotion called ATTRACTION for you, then you need to learn how
to communicate and behave in the way that TRIGGERS ATTRACTION.
Are you with me on this?
ON YOUR SUCCESS STORY AND CONFIDENCE...
I think that you're on the right track here.
When she came to you to tell you that her parents didn't approve of you,
and you responded by saying "I don't care what your parents think, I'm
not here to please them" you effectively made yourself MORE powerful in
her heart AND mind than even her parents. I'm taking a wild guess here,
but I'll bet that when she came to you to tell you this, she was telling
you because she was thinking of breaking off the relationship, and this
was her way of "introducing" the idea.
When you responded by saying "I don't care what they think" you probably
scrambled her signal a little. She was probably confused, but MORE
IMPORTANTLY she was probably EMOTIONALLY ATTRACTED to you at the same
This combination of confusion, emotional attraction, and you asserting
yourself as more powerful than her parents because you didn't care, is
As you say "Every dating advisor stresses male confidence". The more
I've thought about this, the more I realize that the FOUNDATION for
confidence is LACK OF INSECURITY.
In other words, if you want to be confident, you have to START by
getting over the things that you're insecure about. Once you do this,
you'll realize that "confidence" isn't really that important at all.
Women are generally attracted to men who don't need APPROVAL from
anyone. Call it confidence if you want. But I think it comes down to
becoming secure in the world and comfortable in your own skin.
ON YOUR SUGGESTIONS OF CRITERIA AND EJECTING A WOMAN AFTER INFIDELITY...
It's a GREAT idea to be VERY selective and to let women know about it
EVEN IF SHE'S YOU'RE "TYPE". Women are generally more attracted to men
who are more selective. Of course, it is important to keep high
standards in life, because they usually lead to better results in
And in response to your recommendation to dump a woman at the first sign
This is probably a good policy. But there's something else that you
should probably take away from this as well. If a woman isn't loyal,
there's a good chance that either:
1. You did a poor job selecting the type of woman to have a relationship
with in the first place...
2. You stopped doing the things that created the ATTRACTION in the
relationship, and turned into a WUSSY.
In either case, there's something to learn and improve in the future
inside of YOURSELF.
YOU must learn how to KEEP HER INTEREST over the long-haul if you want
to "cheat-proof" your relationship.
...and on another note... I really believe that there's more than meets
the eye when it comes to success with women and dating. The process that
creates the magic emotion of ATTRACTION is mysterious, seemingly
illogical, and "counter intuitive". If you don't understand it, then it
just won't make sense.
It's taken me literally YEARS to be able to both attract women AND be
able to explain how to do it.
AN IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU...
It's a brand new year right now. Can you feel that "new" energy right
now? Did you make a New Year's Resolution?
The beginning of a new year is an opportunity to look back on the past
year and think about what went right, what didn't go so right... and
what you'd like to do DIFFERENT this time around.
This might be YOUR year for success with women.
If it is, then you're going to need to make a commitment to yourself,
and then FOLLOW THROUGH on that commitment.
This part of your life isn't going to "get itself handled".
YOU are going to have to do it.
And if you haven't downloaded my online eBook "Double Your Dating" yet,
then you need to do that right now. You can download it now and be
reading it in just a few minutes.
If you'd like to read more of my personal secrets for overcoming fear,
including specific mental exercises and physical drills, then I'd
recommend that you download a copy of my online eBook "Double Your
Dating". It's full of all my very best thinking on this and many other
subjects about success with women.
here to download the ebook now.
Feel free to join my
free newsletter and get Double Your Dating tips, advice articles and
more 3 times a week. Just sign up